My Hermitage — 2007
I start this Journal to record the events of my hermitage dated June 14th 2007.
At this time, it is June 13th, I leave tomorrow, and I am terrified! For 10 days I have fasted and prayed, but I must admit the prayers have been weak and thus far without merit. The world weighs heavily on me these days, and I am sure this explains why I feel no connection.
One must devote oneself to prayer and fasting. Thus, something must change. Fasting I seem to have down, but good prayer escapes me. Perhaps the real problem is that I do not understand fasting at all. Perhaps it is a far more complex discipline that I ever imagined. Sarah and I are suffering great emotional stress at this constant lack of money. We will fold up soon if God does not provide work. We are frightened to be sure.
To that end, I need this to work. I fear it will not. Bodily I feel rather well, the fast seems to have done good things for me, and I have even lost weight. Yet, all will be for naught if God does not reach out to us.
I am beginning to think there is no good way for this to end, at least not from my perspective. I suppose I imagine all of this going down in one of three ways. God will ignore me entirely. God will answer me in the positive, or God will treat me badly. I guess two out of three go against me. What will He do? I have no idea, but I fear the worst. He has not run to provide for us, and I must know why. I must do this! I must risk this!
2:00 June 14th 2007
Well, I made it. I rather enjoyed the trip down alone, though Dad and I left on a marginal note. The Johnson project has no drain tile and it is my fault. Dad was quite angry and had a number of unpleasant things to say, particularly about my leaving for this hermitage. Nevertheless, I am here. Sarah and I ended our 10-Day fast late last night with a private communion ceremony between us.
I will eat with the staff tonight, and see how it goes. My stomach can only do so much now. The cabin is nice; the grounds are wonderful, even if I can still hear Highway 47. I grew up in a cabin not near this nice. I need to take some time to settle in. I just cannot get the world out of my head. There is just too much on my mind.
I am searching for God.
4:00 — I must admit, I am shocked. I took a few moments familiarizing myself with the cabin, and then fell asleep nearly at once! I feel groggy and slow.
Eyes blurry.
4:30 — Prayed for half hour. I cannot be sure if it is He or I, but we exchanged words. Perhaps a more thorough explanation is in order. I have prayed for many months about money without any success. Page 1 of 4
Yet always one issue repeats itself. I will call it the “thing of the will.” I will not name it, as I fear it too much. Always when I pray it is there. I have ignored it thinking money and the “thing of the will” could not possibly be related, but, each time I pray it pops into my head like a light bulb, every time, without fail. In addition, each time I would dismiss it as my own guilt for a sin I knew was there, but could not possibly be the problem here … or could it!
On the night of the 14th, just one night ago, it happened as it always does, popping into my head while trying to pray — only more persistent now. More insistent that if I wish Him to hear me, or to advance any further, I must deal with it now and forever. I agreed to those terms. It all seems so unrelated to me, but apparently, I am wrong. The suggestion even came to me that, there might be, perhaps has been, punishment inflicted upon my wife for my sin as a way to get me to pay attention. Frankly, it all seems very medieval of Him, but He must see something I do not. I am beginning to think it may be something about the future, something is coming I will not survive if I do not deal with this now, right now.
What this entire fast has done is get me to see all this. So what now? I have dealt with it. I have agreed to the terms, as I understand them. What now?
7:00 p.m. — I have had dinner with the staff of third order workers. It is refreshing to meet with catholics who really mean it, and understand it. They tell me two thirds of their clients are protestant! That amazes me! Woodland Hills rents the whole place once a year; Wooddale rents it twice. I enjoyed also meeting the Avon area Deacon. He and I chatted: home schooling, protestant/catholic relations, and St. John’s University’s retreat center. I would be catholic in a flash, if I could just stomach the theology.
I have been praying and working with God. I fear I may already have the answers I have been seeking. I think I had them before I left home; I think I got them last night. However, nightfall will come soon, and there is no light here. The highway will die down, and the temperature cool. I will approach the throne then once more. Once more into the breach, and all that. I believe He will have more to say then.
8:30 — It’s just so hot and humid! How overbearing. The cabin has grown too dark for reading so I have moved to the porch where some light remains. I am reading Job. My plea is his plea with one major exception. He claims to be blameless. His friends all claim no one is blameless. I am with his friends on this. However, what strikes me about Job is the forcefulness and honesty of his words. He is yelling at God. It is wonderful. He knows God will likely smite him but he does not care. He wants answers whatever the cost. I do too.
June 15th 9:00 a.m.
I could write no more last night because it simply grew too dark. It took me back far and deep into my youth to our cabin on the lake. The blackness is thick and pure, though one could ever so faintly discern the glow from the great city to our south. At the cabin, of course, the black was virgin. Page 2 of 4
This morning I have placed water from my supply into the small tin kettle and, it is heating on the gas burner. I shall have bread, cheese, and fruit for breakfast. I touched none of it yesterday; I look forward to it today.
Last night was both fun and frustrating. Working only with candles was “interesting” in the night … ah, my kettle boils … Well, instant coffee is not so good, but with a little cheese and some bread, all is well.
I am alone out here I have decided. There is no one in the other two cabins. In fact, save for the deacon at dinner last night, I have seen and heard no one, absolutely no one. … Mm m, the breads are thick and heavy, even the muffin.
I suppose I should stop rambling and get to my purpose, last night’s events. I prayed for hours. I sat in the blackness with my pipe and sought God. I could not find Him. I fear I had my answers before I left home. I know I have been cryptic about it to this point, but I needed time to consult God further, to see if some other answer or explanation might not be forthcoming. This is because the one I have seems singularly uninspiring.
Now that I have given up the “thing of the will,” things will change. However, they will do so in the order of the world, slowly and painfully in time as most things change. There will be no sudden flash of “all better,” but rather the hard-won success of time and work as all men must endure. There will be no quick fix. However, now that I have released this one great and terrible burden of the “thing of the will,” there will be a fix. That, at the least, is good news — if not quite, if not remotely, what I had hoped.
This trip has revealed something else to me. I am guilty of sloth. My father and I agreed about this as I was leaving to come. He feels my dedication to work is lacking. To many this would seem foolish, I know, but I have had much time to think on it since then. I have decided he is correct. It is not that I do not work hard; I certainly do. It is not that I am not dedicated to mission, work, and family; I certainly am. However, as dedicated as I am, my ambition outweighs it. If I wish to run a construction firm, I must have drive. If I wish to run a large and successful one, I must have far more drive. But, if I wish to run such a firm and run a church with all the acumen expected of a theologian, I will need something more. I am not at all sure I am up to this task. There are four hermits in my congregations who have all one way or another dropped out of society rather than face its challenges. At times, I wonder if they might not have the right idea.
However, I have not left this option open to myself. Rather I strapped on twin turbines and told Sarah to light the fuse — the whole world became a blur. However, in all this, I have only rarely touched the sacred switch my loving wife has boldly labeled DANGER, the afterburner. My father has asked that I remove its safety door, kick it in, and hardwire it to the dash, fusing the leads, and just let the engines scream. However, his point is well taken. I have put myself in a position where I may have no choice. Page 3 of 4
If I wish to do what I have claimed I wish to do, my actions, though dedicated, have remained sane. Perhaps I should cry havoc, and loose the dogs of war. Alternatively, perhaps I should trim my ambitions and cage the bloody hounds. Whatever the case, my father is right on one crucial point; to run both enterprises with the success required, I will have to give more to each; how unnerving, after all, the switch that is clearly labeled, “DANGER.”
Well, time for the half-mile trek needed to get a shower.
3:00 — I have spent my afternoon in deep contemplation. I have walked far and thought much. It seems clear to me that I am overreacting. The longer I think about this, the more the puzzle fits together. The message is becoming clear; give up the “thing of the will,” and work harder. I think it really is that simple.
Perhaps God is unwilling to give me more work if I don’t do the work I have, as well as I should. To whom much is given, much will be expected. I say I am overreacting because it really will not be very difficult to do this. More hours added, of course, but not that many more. Sarah will moan about it bitterly, but she does that now anyway.
I will seek verification on all this tonight, but I think He has answered all the questions He is willing to answer. I can live with these answers.
3:30 — One thing troubles me yet. To do more than I do, I will have to drive those around me harder. They will not like that.
7:30 — I have enjoyed dinner with six or seven other guests. The place has filled up today. They are mostly women, and they tend to come often. I enjoyed them, but mostly it was nice to get out of this oppressive heat. It has cooled some from this afternoon, so I should get some sleep tonight. I am sure I have all the answers I am going to get, so I will be leaving by noon tomorrow. Sarah is not going to be happy with these answers; but I guess that is life.
I think I hear thunder in the distance. Just what I need, oppressive humidity to go with this heat.
June 16th 7:30 a.m. I have been up with sour bread, fruit, and coffee for an hour. It rained all night complete with thunder and the works; it was very nice. I moved the bed out to the screen porch and slept in the cool damp. I cannot say I slept well, but I enjoyed it immensely. Sarah came and visited me in a dream on the porch. That I cannot recount here; but it was fun. God also made His presence known. I made a new request of Him and much to my surprise He granted it instantly! I could hardly believe it; but there it was! I cannot recount what is was, for reasons I also cannot recount. The key for this journal, however, is that He has been paying attention, and all I thought He has said, He has. This last episode was a form of gift to say … “Ah! Finally you ask for something I can grant in the very way you want it, showing you this has all been real.” With that, I will sign off and make the shower trek, clean my hermitage, finish my coffee, and go home.
